Dorothy uses her brain

This series of articles has been designed to support women in the workplace. In the first article we analysed why the Fair Work Commission isn’t the best way to deal with bullying in the workplace. The second article tackled language designed to shut us up. In this article, we’ll give you tools to help you ‘call it’ and make your bully accountable for his or her actions. There will be fallout and you may get told you’re being overemotional but, as always, don’t buy into it.

The difficulty in providing advice using a one-size-fits-all approach is that everyone’s experience is different. These tools are a guide and should be modified to suit. More importantly, they need to be applied with the acknowledgement that a small change in your actions can make a difference.

WHY I PREFER DOROTHY IN TECHNICOLOUR

From the moment Dorothy arrives in the Land of Oz she’s purposeful. There’s nothing holding that girl back. In fact, she’s so full of purpose she transforms into colour. The difference? She choses to do something. Our lives are full of choices. Whether we do nothing or something, both are choices. Women in the workplace need to remember we have a choice. Whether we’ve stumbled across the path of the resident bully or just your regular office tosser, it’s up to us to change the status quo because no one else is going to do it for us. It’s not going to be easy. But the fact you’re reading this means you’re tired of the status quo.

IT’S TIME TO BE STRATEGIC

One of the most useful tools I’ve learnt is strategic questioning. We like to think we’re evolved human beings but we’re still quite primitive. We value logic and yet our responses are reactive. In using strategic questioning we identify our end goal and decide what questions will get us there. An example might be useful:

Carol: I need to take my son to the doctor at 2pm. Do I take it as personal leave?

Matt: No, just take it out of your annual leave.

Carol: Oh, okay…

Uncertain of her entitlements, Carol will doubt herself and end the conversation. Certain of her entitlements, Carol will know Matt’s lying, but also knows there’ll be repercussions if she states as such.

Let’s rework this scenario using strategic questioning. The basic principles are:

Call it
Use your tone
Tell your ego to take a lunch break

The conversation could go as follows:

Carol: I need to take my son to the doctor at 2pm. Do I take it as personal leave?

Matt: No, just take it out of your annual leave.

Carol: Oh, that’s different to what I thought. Can you tell me which policy I find that in please? I know you’re busy, but it will save me asking next time my son gets sick.

1. Call it

Carol lets Matt know he’s incorrect, without explicitly stating he’s wrong. She requests he back up his statement with the relevant policy. If Carol’s wrong she saves face because she hasn’t accused Matt of anything.

2. Use your tone

Imagine you’re asking someone to ‘pass the butter.’ It’s formal but polite. It’s hard for someone to justify yelling and rudeness when you’re being so sweet.

3. Tell your ego to take a lunch break

You know you’re right. He knows you’re right. But you don’t get anywhere by pointing it out. Allowing Matt to save face is actually your saving grace.

YOU’RE NOT GIVING IN

If you’re used to doing battle in your workplace, playing nice seems like a hard ask but once your bully works out you’re willing to ‘call it’, he or she will be more inclined to give you correct information next time around. Fear of looking like an idiot will guarantee it.

Ridicule is one way for a bully to assert his or her authority. The only way it’ll stop is if you call it but you need to do it sooner rather than later. It’ll be stressful but let’s take a step back and assess the danger.

The bully could yell at me – that’s correct. But you’ve been yelled at before and you’re still standing.
The bully could call me [rude word/derogatory label] – also correct, see above.
The bully could fire me – unlikely but it could happen. If it does, you could file for unfair dismissal. Money is important – it pays the bills – but so is your health. A toxic workplace is doing more damage to your health than even you realise.

Once you decide to call it, consider the characteristics of the person doing the bullying to assess if you call it in private or a group setting. Talk with purpose and be direct but use the best ‘pass the butter’ tone you can muster.

Your initial request should be specific. Consider “Can I chat to you about the meeting?” instead of “I need to talk to you.” General requests make people wary.

Judgment-free language is essential. “You ~~demanded~~ commented I needed to think before I speak to avoid confusion. I’d like to talk to you about that. It was hard for me to speak when ~~you~~ people kept interrupting.”

Keep it short and simple. Additional information is extra ammunition. You don’t owe your bully anything, including information they can use against you.

Silence is your friend. We often feel the need to fill the void with words but silence gives your bully a chance to process your comments, it gives you time to mentally regroup and extra words detract from your original statement.

Remain assertive. Sit with your back straight, put your hands in your lap (or someplace where the bully can’t see them shaking) and keep your head held up high.

THE LONGER YOU WAIT, THE HARDER IT GETS

It’s more effective if you can raise your concerns straight away but what happens if the meeting finishes, you head to the bathroom to recuperate and then stay there? Congratulate yourself on recognising you’re not yet ready to confront your bully. You’ve identified an area that needs a bit more work, rather than throwing yourself into a situation you’re not yet prepared for. Notice the strategic use of the word ‘yet’? When you are ready, it’s important to provide context and, as always, being specific reduces the chances of your comments being disregarded. For example, “I wanted to talk to you about something that happened at a team meeting two months ago but I didn’t have the confidence to raise it at the time. I thought it was a one-off but a couple of things have happened since then and I wanted to talk to you about them.”

THOSE WHO CAN, DO. THOSE WHO CAN’T, BULLLY.

Bullies aren’t very smart. They may look like an adult but they have the mental capacity of a two year old and like any two year old, they’re looking for boundaries. One act of assertiveness can change the dynamic. Altering how you interact in the workplace might seem overwhelming but it doesn’t have to be. A couple of weeks ago my yoga teacher commented how ridiculous it is to praise ourselves for things we can already do. Instead, praise is needed when we can’t do something but still try anyway. Surely that’s more courageous.

This reminded me of a friend’s story about an influential woman who succeeded in a male-dominated field in the 1990s. This woman, tired of not speaking up in meetings, decided she wanted to participate more. She promised herself she’d speak up at the next meeting and she did. She said, “I second the motion.”

You see, it doesn’t have to be big; it just has to be different.

Perhaps, like Dorothy, who threw a bucket of water to save her friend the Scarecrow from burning to bits, but ended up with most of the contents over the Wicked Witch of the West, you may find your bully melting away like brown sugar before your eyes.

Gif via GIPHY.

Here’s how easy it could have been for Carol to give away her entitlements. That’s why we always encourage workers to know their rights.